Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is a topic that is very important to me. I never thought that I would find myself in an abusive relationship. I came from a good home. I’d graduated from college, and I’d always strived to do things the "right" way. The information that follows is a presentation that I gave to junior high and high school students. I think that it is important for me to share my story. There are many, many families out there that are affected every day by abuse, and I believe that education is the first step in eliminating this problem.

"Domestic Violence"
occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate (control) or harm the other."1

Other terms have included: "wife beating", "wife battering", "man beating", "husband battering" "relationship violence", "domestic abuse", "spousal abuse", and "family violence" 1

"Domestic abuse doesn’t just happen ‘out there’ somewhere- it happens in our town, in our neighborhood, on our street"2

"Women who have experienced domestic abuse look just like everyone else. They look just like me." 2


Statistics

• Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent!) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. 1
• One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from batterers 1
• Approximately one-third of women who are murdered each year are killed by their current or former husband or partner. 3
• 85% of victims of domestic violence were female.4
• Young women age 16-24 experience the highest rate of domestic violence.4

People say, "You should have just left"

• Leaving an abusive partner is scary enough without being blamed for the abuse
• The women who leave an abuser are SURVIVORS-they are not weak for staying, but strong and courageous for leaving!
• The average woman goes back to her abuser 5 to 7 times before leaving for good.
  

Reasons women stay with an abuser "I didn’t leave…

…because abuse wasn’t supposed to happen to women like me."
…because I thought it was my fault."
…because I believed I could fix it."
…because after a while I began to believe what he kept telling me: that I was overreacting."
…because there was no where to go for support."
…because I grew accustomed to living a lie."
…because we have children together."
…because I can’t afford to live on my own."
…and then one day I left"

Will he batter?5

There is not a "profile" of someone who will batter, but there are some warning signs. These include:

• Drinks alcohol or does drugs
• Abuse while you are dating GUARENTEES that the abuse will become more frequent and severe. You can't change him! The most likely time for the abuse to escalate is during pregnancy or following the birth of a baby.
• Jealousy
• Past abusive relationships (growing up in an abusive home, or abusing past girlfriends)
• Easily frustrated/violent temper
• Blames others for problems
• Obsessed with privacy (He is hiding bad behavior.)

How can you protect yourself?

Do a background check

• It costs $15 at the Clerk of Courts office, all you need is his name and birth date.
• Shows criminal past in SD (you can get a National check, but it costs more and takes time.)
• Does not show protection orders. Protections orders are different than restraining orders. They are considered a civil matter, and are issued against an abusive partner in a domestic relationship.
• It will show any drinking offenses, simple assaults, speeding violations, etc. If there are several offenses this could show a pattern of behavior that may be a warning sign.
  Listen to your family and friends
• Even though you may not agree with them, they have an outside view of the situation.
  

My story

• I was with an abusive alcoholic for almost 3 years.
• We were married and had a daughter. (He also had custody of his son from a previous relationship.)
• At first, he was only abusive toward me when he’d been drinking.
• I thought if he stopped drinking then the problem would be solved.
• After he stopped drinking his abuse changed forms.
• It started very small; a comment here or there that I was stupid, or fat, or ugly.
• Later he would apologize and everything would be great, for a while.
• The next time, the comments would be more harsh until finally he was using verbal abuse most of the time in order to control me.
• Emotional/verbal abuse in some ways is worse than physical abuse.
• Both kinds of abuse are embarrassing, but emotional abuse can be "hidden" from family and friends because it doesn’t leave bruises and broken bones.
• It is like an Invisible Whip, because the words sting and leave wounds on your self-esteem.
• The problem with emotional abuse is the "gray area": What exactly is emotional abuse?
• The emotional abuse continued to grow, and eventually he crossed the line into "black and white."
• He only hit me one time while he was sober, and it did not even leave a bruise.
• This was after 2 years of no physical violence, but continued emotional abuse.
• The moment that he hit me when he was sober. I knew I had to leave. I just needed to figure out how.
• It’s not easy to leave an abuser.
• It is scary, and you are leaving someone that you love.
• I was leaving not only my husband, but also my almost eight year old, step-son who I’d been "Mom" to for almost three years.
• A "safety plan" is necessary to ensure a safe departure.
  This plan includes: where you will go, how you will obtain a protection order, people who will be able to help you, your financial information such as checking account numbers, and other important papers.
  

My safety plan

• I left on Wednesday, March 16, 2005.
• I had one hour to pack belongings for my daughter (she was 3 months old) and myself.
• I went to a shelter in Madison where there were people waiting to help me with the protection order.
• These people then got a temporary protection order to the Judge to be signed, and then to the Sheriff to be served.
• I had heard of the shelter before. I had never considered it as an option because I could not imagine ME living "in a place like that".
• After talking with the shelter’s director, I realized that this was the safest option for my family and myself.
• So, I got over my idea that the shelter was a bad place, and I made the decision to stay there for a short time.
• I stayed at the shelter for six weeks, while I waited for the court date to make my protection order effective for 3 years.
• I also arranged work and housing.
  
• I was lucky:
  ~I was not in this relationship very long.
  ~I have a loving and supportive family, and many caring friends.
  ~There are resources that are available in our community and I happened to talk to the people who knew how to get me connected with those resources.
  

Is Someone You Know Being Abused?

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence6

• The victim may have injuries that they can’t explain or excuses that don’t make sense.
• The victim may be absent from work or school frequently. This would probably be to give bruises that are visible time to heal, or from lack of sleep after being emotionally abused.
• The victim usually has low self-esteem.
• The victim may show personality changes if the abuse is just starting. For example someone who was previously happy, may become sad and withdrawn.
• The victim usually fears conflict
• The victim uses self-blame for any problems happening around them.
• The abuser will use isolation from friends and family in order to control the victim.
• A lot of the time the abuser controls the finances in a relationship. This keeps the victim dependant on the abuser for all of their needs.
• The victim may show signs of stress-related problems like ulcers or hair loss.
  

What can you do if you know someone who is being abused?

• Reach out and help them.
• Believe them and keep whatever you're told confidential. The exception to this is if they are in immediate physical danger, then you need to tell a trusted adult ASAP!
• Be careful not to gossip about the situation.
• Don't blame them. The abused person is NOT responsible for being hurt and does not deserve to be abused.
• Take the time to talk privately and provide opportunities for them to talk about what's happening
• Validate feelings the victim’s feelings. The roller coaster of emotions that the victim will feel is indescribable.
  
• "Understand that it is difficult to leave a home or someone you love, and that your loved one may go back several times before leaving for good. Remember too that leaving is the most dangerous time as the overwhelming majority of domestic violence murders occur when a victim is trying to leave. Your friend has the most information about the abuser, and THEY are the best judge of when and how to best make the best break in the safest way. Remember that your friend's solutions may not be the same as yours."1
  
• Help them to establish a safety plan
• Avoid badmouthing the abuser or pressuring the victim. This can backfire!
• Connect them with resources and professional support this can come in various forms:
  Crisis Intervention
  Emotional Support
  Advocacy and Legal Assistance
  
  

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) www.ndvh.org

My daughter, Onna, is the main reason that I left. I did not want her growing up in a situation where it was okay to hurt someone. She keeps me strong and on the right path. Since I left, I’ve been working to improve our lives. Right now I am working on going back to college to get my education degree.

My Sources

My #2 Source "Surviving Domestic Violence; Voices of Women Who Broke Free" by Elaine Weiss, Ed.D is a great book. It tells the story of 12 abused women and their stories. I really liked it because it focuses on emotional abuse and controls issues more than just physical abuse, so I was able to identify with the women in the stories.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence
2. "Surviving Domestic Violence; Voices of Women Who Broke Free" by Elaine Weiss, Ed.D
3.http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/10/20031008-.html
4. http://www.ncadv.org/files/DV_Facts.pdf
5. http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/12ways.htm
6. http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/signs.shtml